Mental Health

Help Support Talkbeer:

Joined
Oct 1, 2013
Messages
4,046
Location
Solon, IA
Well, my uncle whom I did the Alzheimers fundraiser for, has to be put into care. He's become mean, belligerent, basically incoherent. This is been fucking devastating to watch. I mean, its all happened so fast, almost inconceivably fast. He's 66 years old and has the cognitive ability of a toddler. As I have stated before, this is a man I grew up admiring. A man who taught me how to swim, fix shit, drive a Bobcat and countless other things. From traditional Christmas Eve dinner at their house to the annual family reunion that they hosted. It truly is the end of a huge chapter of my life.

Watching my aunt and cousins is equally as gut wrenching. Just the looks of sheer frustration, embarrassment, sadness, helplessness, it's all terrible. I speak to one of my cousins quite regularly, she has been a trooper but she does break down every now and again. My other cousin is just in denial. It's killing him to watch his father like this and it manifests as anger and frustration, I get it. My Aunt? Talk about a strong woman, but she is at wits end as well.

I try to help the best I can when we are all together by giving them a reprieve from being his caretaker and man is it hard. Constant redirection, constant reminders of what the task at hand is, "No Uncle Dick, you can't smoke a cigar in the restaurant", "It's still lit, don't put it in your pocket" etc.

I sincerely hope none of you have to deal with this. Just venting. Thanks for reading.
I saw it briefly with my wife's grandfather. She has dealt with this twice, and we hope it isn't hereditary. Your uncle is still there, just hidden. Always remember the good times.

Been a whirlwind of emotions lately. I feel like I’m a shell of my former self. I’ve been going out of my way to accommodate others and get shit on while doing so.

I need to get to a point where I can start making myself happy again.

/end vague post
I dealt with similar last year, and eliminated the toxic person. Couldn't be happier, even if it was my best friend.
 

jmgrub

real Gs move in silence like lasagna
Joined
Aug 25, 2013
Messages
11,143
Location
Back in LA
Today in a local Facebook group someone posted asking for help looking for their friend (who happened to be a fixture in the freediving scene here) and sharing said friend's post. The friend was later found dead. Not sure why, but I feel compelled to share the friend's post here. Take from it what you will.

"A couple of years ago I developed a nerve issue in my cervical spine area causing severe pain and numbness in my right shoulder and arm. It took the doctors a while to diagnose it but eventually they pinpointed the problem. The only hiccup being that the solution involves a risky surgery that is not only really expensive but also comes with the possibility of paralysis. Weighing the pros and cons, I decided the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze as I’m quite used to dealing with pain from healing injuries that I’ve acquired from judo and jiu jitsu. I constantly talk about the bodies ability to adapt to just about anything and over time I’ve learned how to live with the pain but make no mistake, being in excruciating pain every day for two years can really fxck with your head. Things were manageable for a while but recently the condition has worsened to the point that I can’t load my own spearguns and getting in and out of wetsuits is damn near impossible. This has lead to me transitioning abruptly from being on the go non stop to being completely sedentary. I’ve had to sit and watch as the weight piled on and my muscles (the few that I had anyway) atrophied, another situation that can affect your headspace.
-
A while back I was also diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. Conditions that I’ve apparently always suffered from and upon further examination really explains a lot of things in my past. Anyone who’s been around for one of my “grumpy” outbursts has experienced one of the effects that anxiety has on me (I had no idea that was a thing).
It seems that my propensity to work non stop has kept my brain from attacking itself (not that I’ve ever consciously used it as an escape from anything) because suddenly I found myself with nothing but time on my hands and the anxiety has escalated to crippling levels. It’s gotten so bad that I need to be loaded to even leave the house and has lead me to avoid the people that I love and truly enjoy being around.

So what’s the point of all this twatlike whining? Basically its an explanation of why I’m giving up. “Sometimes that which is broken stays broken...” and all that. Could things be salvaged and/or made better? No doubt, but honestly I simply don’t have it in me any longer. Not only that but I’ve truly lived an amazing life already. I’ve traveled/explored a fair amount (not a ton but more than I thought I’d ever see), I’ve been in love with/loved by incredible women (like way, WAY out of my league, not sure how I pulled that off), and I’ve met and become fast friends with some truly extraordinary people. I’ve taken a handful of good photos (kinda?) and pretty much achieved all that I set out to. What more can a person ask for?

Regrets? Hmm... Exiting now will cause me to miss a very special wedding that I truly meant to be there for. It means that I’ll never have roamed San Sebastián partaking in the culinary excellence that’s happening day in and day out there. I think I would’ve been a good dad but clearly by this point that ship has sailed. Also, it means that I’ll be missing the last season of Game Of Thrones (I really tried to stick around for that but those mofos took too long).
-
In all seriousness though, please know that tried. I tried to do good when and where I could. I tried to find beauty that I could share and above all I tried to return the ridiculous amounts of kindness and love that I’ve been shown. The simple fact is that my loved ones deserve a version of me that I’m no longer capable of being.
-
So on that note I’m outta here. Do me a favor and take care of one another in my absence, offer help when possible, and I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me in time.

Also, my car is there but I’m not home. Please don’t bother my upstairs neighbors"
 
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Messages
6,760
Location
Charlotte
Today in a local Facebook group someone posted asking for help looking for their friend (who happened to be a fixture in the freediving scene here) and sharing said friend's post. The friend was later found dead. Not sure why, but I feel compelled to share the friend's post here. Take from it what you will.

"A couple of years ago I developed a nerve issue in my cervical spine area causing severe pain and numbness in my right shoulder and arm. It took the doctors a while to diagnose it but eventually they pinpointed the problem. The only hiccup being that the solution involves a risky surgery that is not only really expensive but also comes with the possibility of paralysis. Weighing the pros and cons, I decided the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze as I’m quite used to dealing with pain from healing injuries that I’ve acquired from judo and jiu jitsu. I constantly talk about the bodies ability to adapt to just about anything and over time I’ve learned how to live with the pain but make no mistake, being in excruciating pain every day for two years can really fxck with your head. Things were manageable for a while but recently the condition has worsened to the point that I can’t load my own spearguns and getting in and out of wetsuits is damn near impossible. This has lead to me transitioning abruptly from being on the go non stop to being completely sedentary. I’ve had to sit and watch as the weight piled on and my muscles (the few that I had anyway) atrophied, another situation that can affect your headspace.
-
A while back I was also diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. Conditions that I’ve apparently always suffered from and upon further examination really explains a lot of things in my past. Anyone who’s been around for one of my “grumpy” outbursts has experienced one of the effects that anxiety has on me (I had no idea that was a thing).
It seems that my propensity to work non stop has kept my brain from attacking itself (not that I’ve ever consciously used it as an escape from anything) because suddenly I found myself with nothing but time on my hands and the anxiety has escalated to crippling levels. It’s gotten so bad that I need to be loaded to even leave the house and has lead me to avoid the people that I love and truly enjoy being around.

So what’s the point of all this twatlike whining? Basically its an explanation of why I’m giving up. “Sometimes that which is broken stays broken...” and all that. Could things be salvaged and/or made better? No doubt, but honestly I simply don’t have it in me any longer. Not only that but I’ve truly lived an amazing life already. I’ve traveled/explored a fair amount (not a ton but more than I thought I’d ever see), I’ve been in love with/loved by incredible women (like way, WAY out of my league, not sure how I pulled that off), and I’ve met and become fast friends with some truly extraordinary people. I’ve taken a handful of good photos (kinda?) and pretty much achieved all that I set out to. What more can a person ask for?

Regrets? Hmm... Exiting now will cause me to miss a very special wedding that I truly meant to be there for. It means that I’ll never have roamed San Sebastián partaking in the culinary excellence that’s happening day in and day out there. I think I would’ve been a good dad but clearly by this point that ship has sailed. Also, it means that I’ll be missing the last season of Game Of Thrones (I really tried to stick around for that but those mofos took too long).
-
In all seriousness though, please know that tried. I tried to do good when and where I could. I tried to find beauty that I could share and above all I tried to return the ridiculous amounts of kindness and love that I’ve been shown. The simple fact is that my loved ones deserve a version of me that I’m no longer capable of being.
-
So on that note I’m outta here. Do me a favor and take care of one another in my absence, offer help when possible, and I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me in time.

Also, my car is there but I’m not home. Please don’t bother my upstairs neighbors"
Fuck.

Thank you for sharing jmgrub, sincerely
 

jmgrub

real Gs move in silence like lasagna
Joined
Aug 25, 2013
Messages
11,143
Location
Back in LA
Fuck.

Thank you for sharing jmgrub, sincerely
I know lots of people leave suicide notes, but I don't know that I've ever read one before. I guess I was surprised at the eloquence, how candid it was, and how calm and at peace with the decision he must have been to write it. Gave me all the feels.

The last two sentences also threw me for a loop. I get the sense that he was the kind of guy that didn't ever want to be somebody else's problem.
 
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Messages
6,760
Location
Charlotte
I know lots of people leave suicide notes, but I don't know that I've ever read one before. I guess I was surprised at the eloquence, how candid it was, and how calm and at peace with the decision he must have been to write it. Gave me all the feels.

The last two sentences also threw me for a loop. I get the sense that he was the kind of guy that didn't ever want to be somebody else's problem.
I think I might have a slightly alternative opinion on suicide (in very specific situations) that is pretty toxic and I certainly won't get into here, but I'll just say that I can't help but respect every word of what was written. That said, I also can't even imagine what a note like that would do to family and friends considering how much it crushed me as a casual reader. I think I'd probably be pretty torn up that the high-risk operation wasn't more heavily considered as an option considering the end result of not getting that done.

The sense of humor in the regrets paragraph made it all the more gut-wrenching. Just brutal stuff man.
 

jmgrub

real Gs move in silence like lasagna
Joined
Aug 25, 2013
Messages
11,143
Location
Back in LA
I think I might have a slightly alternative opinion on suicide (in very specific situations) that is pretty toxic and I certainly won't get into here, but I'll just say that I can't help but respect every word of what was written. That said, I also can't even imagine what a note like that would do to family and friends considering how much it crushed me as a casual reader. I think I'd probably be pretty torn up that the high-risk operation wasn't more heavily considered as an option considering the end result of not getting that done.

The sense of humor in the regrets paragraph made it all the more gut-wrenching. Just brutal stuff man.
Had the same thought regarding the operation. My read based on reading the rest of it was that, considering that he took his life at least in part based on his inability to get around the way that he wanted to, the risk of paralysis wasn't one he was willing to bear.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Oct 14, 2013
Messages
310
Location
Away
Today in a local Facebook group someone posted asking for help looking for their friend (who happened to be a fixture in the freediving scene here) and sharing said friend's post. The friend was later found dead. Not sure why, but I feel compelled to share the friend's post here. Take from it what you will.

"A couple of years ago I developed a nerve issue in my cervical spine area causing severe pain and numbness in my right shoulder and arm. It took the doctors a while to diagnose it but eventually they pinpointed the problem. The only hiccup being that the solution involves a risky surgery that is not only really expensive but also comes with the possibility of paralysis. Weighing the pros and cons, I decided the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze as I’m quite used to dealing with pain from healing injuries that I’ve acquired from judo and jiu jitsu. I constantly talk about the bodies ability to adapt to just about anything and over time I’ve learned how to live with the pain but make no mistake, being in excruciating pain every day for two years can really fxck with your head. Things were manageable for a while but recently the condition has worsened to the point that I can’t load my own spearguns and getting in and out of wetsuits is damn near impossible. This has lead to me transitioning abruptly from being on the go non stop to being completely sedentary. I’ve had to sit and watch as the weight piled on and my muscles (the few that I had anyway) atrophied, another situation that can affect your headspace.
-
A while back I was also diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. Conditions that I’ve apparently always suffered from and upon further examination really explains a lot of things in my past. Anyone who’s been around for one of my “grumpy” outbursts has experienced one of the effects that anxiety has on me (I had no idea that was a thing).
It seems that my propensity to work non stop has kept my brain from attacking itself (not that I’ve ever consciously used it as an escape from anything) because suddenly I found myself with nothing but time on my hands and the anxiety has escalated to crippling levels. It’s gotten so bad that I need to be loaded to even leave the house and has lead me to avoid the people that I love and truly enjoy being around.

So what’s the point of all this twatlike whining? Basically its an explanation of why I’m giving up. “Sometimes that which is broken stays broken...” and all that. Could things be salvaged and/or made better? No doubt, but honestly I simply don’t have it in me any longer. Not only that but I’ve truly lived an amazing life already. I’ve traveled/explored a fair amount (not a ton but more than I thought I’d ever see), I’ve been in love with/loved by incredible women (like way, WAY out of my league, not sure how I pulled that off), and I’ve met and become fast friends with some truly extraordinary people. I’ve taken a handful of good photos (kinda?) and pretty much achieved all that I set out to. What more can a person ask for?

Regrets? Hmm... Exiting now will cause me to miss a very special wedding that I truly meant to be there for. It means that I’ll never have roamed San Sebastián partaking in the culinary excellence that’s happening day in and day out there. I think I would’ve been a good dad but clearly by this point that ship has sailed. Also, it means that I’ll be missing the last season of Game Of Thrones (I really tried to stick around for that but those mofos took too long).
-
In all seriousness though, please know that tried. I tried to do good when and where I could. I tried to find beauty that I could share and above all I tried to return the ridiculous amounts of kindness and love that I’ve been shown. The simple fact is that my loved ones deserve a version of me that I’m no longer capable of being.
-
So on that note I’m outta here. Do me a favor and take care of one another in my absence, offer help when possible, and I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me in time.

Also, my car is there but I’m not home. Please don’t bother my upstairs neighbors"


Damn. That was tough to read, but thanks for sharing it. My dad left a note, and it changed my life forever. He was the best writer I've ever known, and a one-line email to him with a simple question would result in a reply of three, eloquent paragraphs. It took me a year or so to digest it, but how short the note was eventually led me to understand that he just couldn't handle living anymore.

"Dear (Redacted), (Redacted), and (Redacted),

I'm so sorry to have caused you so much unimaginable turmoil over all of these many years. You share none of the blame. I am 100% to blame.

Sincerely,
(Redacted)/Dad"

For a very long time, I was incredibly upset and distraught that it wasn't a long note with a detailed explanation of how he felt at the time, but I now realize that he simply didn't have the energy left to do that.

It made me realize that I need to live now before something happens that causes me to run out of energy. My wife and I are quitting our jobs next month, selling almost everything, and moving to a country in South America.

I just woke up, and reading what you posted has me all over the f-ing place this morning.
 
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
4,982
Location
Massachusetts
Today in a local Facebook group someone posted asking for help looking for their friend (who happened to be a fixture in the freediving scene here) and sharing said friend's post. The friend was later found dead. Not sure why, but I feel compelled to share the friend's post here. Take from it what you will.

"A couple of years ago I developed a nerve issue in my cervical spine area causing severe pain and numbness in my right shoulder and arm. It took the doctors a while to diagnose it but eventually they pinpointed the problem. The only hiccup being that the solution involves a risky surgery that is not only really expensive but also comes with the possibility of paralysis. Weighing the pros and cons, I decided the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze as I’m quite used to dealing with pain from healing injuries that I’ve acquired from judo and jiu jitsu. I constantly talk about the bodies ability to adapt to just about anything and over time I’ve learned how to live with the pain but make no mistake, being in excruciating pain every day for two years can really fxck with your head. Things were manageable for a while but recently the condition has worsened to the point that I can’t load my own spearguns and getting in and out of wetsuits is damn near impossible. This has lead to me transitioning abruptly from being on the go non stop to being completely sedentary. I’ve had to sit and watch as the weight piled on and my muscles (the few that I had anyway) atrophied, another situation that can affect your headspace.
-
A while back I was also diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. Conditions that I’ve apparently always suffered from and upon further examination really explains a lot of things in my past. Anyone who’s been around for one of my “grumpy” outbursts has experienced one of the effects that anxiety has on me (I had no idea that was a thing).
It seems that my propensity to work non stop has kept my brain from attacking itself (not that I’ve ever consciously used it as an escape from anything) because suddenly I found myself with nothing but time on my hands and the anxiety has escalated to crippling levels. It’s gotten so bad that I need to be loaded to even leave the house and has lead me to avoid the people that I love and truly enjoy being around.

So what’s the point of all this twatlike whining? Basically its an explanation of why I’m giving up. “Sometimes that which is broken stays broken...” and all that. Could things be salvaged and/or made better? No doubt, but honestly I simply don’t have it in me any longer. Not only that but I’ve truly lived an amazing life already. I’ve traveled/explored a fair amount (not a ton but more than I thought I’d ever see), I’ve been in love with/loved by incredible women (like way, WAY out of my league, not sure how I pulled that off), and I’ve met and become fast friends with some truly extraordinary people. I’ve taken a handful of good photos (kinda?) and pretty much achieved all that I set out to. What more can a person ask for?

Regrets? Hmm... Exiting now will cause me to miss a very special wedding that I truly meant to be there for. It means that I’ll never have roamed San Sebastián partaking in the culinary excellence that’s happening day in and day out there. I think I would’ve been a good dad but clearly by this point that ship has sailed. Also, it means that I’ll be missing the last season of Game Of Thrones (I really tried to stick around for that but those mofos took too long).
-
In all seriousness though, please know that tried. I tried to do good when and where I could. I tried to find beauty that I could share and above all I tried to return the ridiculous amounts of kindness and love that I’ve been shown. The simple fact is that my loved ones deserve a version of me that I’m no longer capable of being.
-
So on that note I’m outta here. Do me a favor and take care of one another in my absence, offer help when possible, and I hope that you’ll be able to forgive me in time.

Also, my car is there but I’m not home. Please don’t bother my upstairs neighbors"
At some point last year I believe I found out that someone I was briefly friends with and then had some serious problems with back when I was a teenager killed himself. The guy was pretty much a total piece of shit on every level (just plain horrible to people, sexual assault issues / statutory rape issues). Anyways he recorded a suicide note video and put it up on youtube and it was so strange and depressing to watch it knowing that he killed himself shortly after. The sadness of it but also the calm realization from him that he was almost happy about what he was doing was a bit of a mind fuck. I know I didn't really add anything here but this post just reminded me of that.
 
Joined
Dec 6, 2014
Messages
8,916
Trippy ketamine-like drug approved for severe depression

https://www.wbay.com/content/news/Trippy-ketamine-like-drug-approved-for-severe-depression-506739011.html


Since enrolling in a Spravato trial two years ago, Prothro says her depression has lifted and she's returned to hobbies she abandoned years ago, like gardening.

She takes the drug every two weeks at her psychiatrist's office while reclining in a comfortable chair.

"You can feel it coming on, it's a strong drug," she said, describing colors and shapes that drift before her eyes. "I just let the drug work. I close my eyes and my mind is amazingly quiet."
 
Joined
Dec 4, 2015
Messages
4,553
Location
Long Beach, CA
Trippy ketamine-like drug approved for severe depression

https://www.wbay.com/content/news/Trippy-ketamine-like-drug-approved-for-severe-depression-506739011.html


Since enrolling in a Spravato trial two years ago, Prothro says her depression has lifted and she's returned to hobbies she abandoned years ago, like gardening.

She takes the drug every two weeks at her psychiatrist's office while reclining in a comfortable chair.

"You can feel it coming on, it's a strong drug," she said, describing colors and shapes that drift before her eyes. "I just let the drug work. I close my eyes and my mind is amazingly quiet."
FT: Bruery Stouts
 
Joined
Sep 22, 2014
Messages
6,093
Trippy ketamine-like drug approved for severe depression

https://www.wbay.com/content/news/Trippy-ketamine-like-drug-approved-for-severe-depression-506739011.html


Since enrolling in a Spravato trial two years ago, Prothro says her depression has lifted and she's returned to hobbies she abandoned years ago, like gardening.

She takes the drug every two weeks at her psychiatrist's office while reclining in a comfortable chair.

"You can feel it coming on, it's a strong drug," she said, describing colors and shapes that drift before her eyes. "I just let the drug work. I close my eyes and my mind is amazingly quiet."
I believe I heard this or something similar advertised on Chicagoland radio.

Just googled, yeah, looks like there are at least 2 - there's the one I heard: https://innovativeexpresscare.com/services/innovative-ketamine-clinic/
 
Joined
Oct 1, 2013
Messages
8,554
Location
Concord CA
Good Morning folks. Came here after hearing about Zach from TB, whom I did not know, to just remind you all that you matter.

Must've missed some notifications, but goddamn, starting your Saturday with reading a couple suicide notes is heavy.

A part of me wished my friend Zachary would've left a note, but now I am convinced it's one of those "grass is always greener" things. Suicide just fucking sucks. It sucks if you suspected it, it sucks if you didn't; it sucks if just saw him/her, it sucks if you'd been meaning to; it sucks with or without a note or explanation. You just can't polish that turd.
 
Joined
Apr 10, 2016
Messages
2,658
Location
New Jersey
I'm having a really shitty couple of weeks and tonight it seemed to come to a head. I definitely need to go see my therapist but she moved her practice over an hour away and it isn't convenient to see her anymore. I know I should just take the trip down for at least a session because I need to talk to someone and starting over with a new person seems like I'm spinning my wheels.

I never put this thread in my "watched", which I probably should have (and did tonight) because it's good that we keep tabs on each other. The post from jmgrub has me in tears right now. I've never been suicidal. Too fucking afraid to die honestly. And that's where some of my anxiety and shit comes from, having so many close family members die young from disease.

Hard to hear the news about cyde too. I saw the picture that Lutter posted with him and I guess his wife? Seems like he was living the dream which might be half the problem.

Living a dream life you feel like you aren't really a part of.

Fuck.
 

tosh

Premium Supporter
Contributor
Joined
Oct 2, 2013
Messages
38,560
Location
Arg
I'm having a really shitty couple of weeks and tonight it seemed to come to a head. I definitely need to go see my therapist but she moved her practice over an hour away and it isn't convenient to see her anymore. I know I should just take the trip down for at least a session because I need to talk to someone and starting over with a new person seems like I'm spinning my wheels.

I never put this thread in my "watched", which I probably should have (and did tonight) because it's good that we keep tabs on each other. The post from jmgrub has me in tears right now. I've never been suicidal. Too fucking afraid to die honestly. And that's where some of my anxiety and shit comes from, having so many close family members die young from disease.

Hard to hear the news about cyde too. I saw the picture that Lutter posted with him and I guess his wife? Seems like he was living the dream which might be half the problem.

Living a dream life you feel like you aren't really a part of.

Fuck.
Mate. If you wanna chat. Hit any if us up. Srs.
 

jmgrub

real Gs move in silence like lasagna
Joined
Aug 25, 2013
Messages
11,143
Location
Back in LA
I'm having a really shitty couple of weeks and tonight it seemed to come to a head. I definitely need to go see my therapist but she moved her practice over an hour away and it isn't convenient to see her anymore. I know I should just take the trip down for at least a session because I need to talk to someone and starting over with a new person seems like I'm spinning my wheels.

I never put this thread in my "watched", which I probably should have (and did tonight) because it's good that we keep tabs on each other. The post from jmgrub has me in tears right now. I've never been suicidal. Too fucking afraid to die honestly. And that's where some of my anxiety and shit comes from, having so many close family members die young from disease.

Hard to hear the news about cyde too. I saw the picture that Lutter posted with him and I guess his wife? Seems like he was living the dream which might be half the problem.

Living a dream life you feel like you aren't really a part of.

Fuck.
Dude, please shoot me a message anytime or give me a call. I will shoot you my number right now.
 

tosh

Premium Supporter
Contributor
Joined
Oct 2, 2013
Messages
38,560
Location
Arg
Thanks Rob.
Applies to anyone. My posting and interactions on here ( and the internet in general over the last 20 years) makes me believe I have a different thought process/upbringing/something that a lot of people. I struggle with stuff every day, it is always tough, but there are ways ti get to the next step.

I never knew people went to therapy for real until I moved here, I have seen both positive and negative results in my wife over the years, and also leant that it is not something to benefit me.

I will find a moment to chat to anyone, in my opinion it helps, just have a chat with a stranger or a friend, about whatever subject you want.
 
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